I have a bit of drudgery for you, mostly to help you understand. Now, don’t get me wrong, you won’t get the full picture of being a psychopath from this, but it will help. Several days ago, I got a packet of address labels from St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. I sent them a check. Good deed done.
Next year, if they send me more address labels, I’ll send them another check. I will do this because it is expected of me and because as Ace likes to remind me, we both need to burn off some of our bad karma. In theory, I’m all good with sending money to hospitals that treat children and saving the rainforest and protecting giraffes.
But these are not things I care about. I will send them money because of the karma thing and because Donnelly taught me to do it. But they will never have an impact on my life. If giraffes go extinct tomorrow, I will not shed tears of sadness, despite the fact that when I go to the zoo, I like the giraffes.
However, to support a Great & Noble cause beyond sending a check, requires a person to care about an abstract. If I were to go to Africa to stop poaching, it would not be because I deeply cared about the slaughter of rhinos, giraffes, or elephants, it would be because very few people would care if I tortured and killed poachers. There is your disturbing thought for the day. And if I were to torture and kill enough poachers, that it made a difference in the populations of endangered animals; some animal activist group would probably give me a medal.
But they would do it because they wouldn’t understand my motivation. They would see it as “oh, he cares so much about animals, he killed a bunch of poachers.” When in reality, the motivation would be “Oh, look, poachers, I wonder if I can make it look like a lion kill or a stampede of elephants or like they drank bad water or if I could kill them with fire ants.” Donnelly taught me to always challenge myself, it would help me from being bored.
I know that is exactly what he didn’t mean, but while I appreciate everything Donnelly taught me, sometimes, I can twist what he taught me to suit my own desires and wants. It was Donnelly that told me I was a sadist. I wish he’d been wrong, but he wasn’t. And to combat it, he taught me I had to be kind, I had to give to charities and I had to redirect my blood lust. When I was sixteen, Donnelly introduced me to a dominatrix. He had busted her for prostitution, but he knew she could introduce me to partners who didn’t mind blood play in the bedroom. And that is your second disturbing thought of the day. Not the blood play, lot of people enjoy pain with their pleasure, if it means they bleed. It’s that a cop felt he needed to introduce me to the underground world of willing sadomasochism sexual partners.
Don’t judge him too harshly for this. He was doing what he thought was best for me. And between his lessons and the one Ace gave me while she was in college, I did learn. Sometimes, I screw up and pick girlfriends who aren’t into blood play; women like Nadine who told me she’d have her brothers hunt me down and kill me if I ever drew blood from her during sex. And then the second month we dated, I made the mistake of introducing her to Aislinn Cain. And Nadine who is sharp as a tack when she wants to be discovered threatening to tell Aislinn was much more terrifying than threatening me with her brothers.
Which is why we only dated for four months. I need blood play and Nadine was absolutely unwilling and I knew if I crossed a line, Aislinn wouldn’t aim for my leg the second time she shot me. Sometimes, I wonder if I have Donnelly to thank for that. One night, when I came back from college for a visit, I got a bit too aggressive with one of Izzy’s friends. The next day, Donnelly bought Ace and Isabelle much stronger stun guns, along with mace, and handcuffs. And I’m positive Donnelly had a talk with Ace about sadists and what it would mean when I stopped looking for willing partners.
He was dead by the time I got the wrong impression with Ace’s college roommate. He would have been disappointed in me. Donnelly wasn’t my father, but he was a father-figure to me. He taught me more about myself than either of my parents could and he taught me how to function in this world, even with my rather unusual predilection for liking the look of blood and the infliction of pain. Strangely, he would have been disappointed, but he also would have understood. He would have agreed with Aislinn’s decision to shoot me and he would have told me “well, you were looking for pain, she gave it to you.”
And he would have been correct. Here’s one of the sick things about me. I liked it when she shot me. I like it when she Tasers me. She knows both of these things. In those moments, I do get a sexual thrill from it. We let everyone believe it’s punishment, but her and I both know that the administration of pain from her, trips my trigger. It resets me in the same way regular men get reset by having an orgasm. My mood improves and I can focus better afterwards.
She is my weakness and always has been. Unlike giraffes and children’s hospitals, she is the one thing on this planet I care about all the time. And while I do search out willing sexual partners for my needs, sex with them doesn’t compare to being Tasered by Aislinn. I’ve told her this, at first, she backed off Tasering me as often, but as of late, she has realized it is important to me and the frequency is picking back up again. It is the closest I will ever get to making love to Aislinn. And if her doing this, keeps me on the straight and narrow, then she’s willing to accomodate. Secretly, I think she enjoys it too. She isn’t the sadist I am, her leanings are more towards death than pain, but each Tasering is a miniature death for her and it feeds her blood lust, just as it feeds mine. And that is your last disturbing thought for this post. I’m sure I’ll have more later for you to try to digest though.