The other day I opened my sock drawer and began pulling out pairs of socks. Holy shit. It’d be easier to find the Ark of the Covenant.
Until I reached my 30s, I didn’t know there was a sock conspiracy. Now I realize there totally is. I only buy white ladies’ crew cut socks. I don’t like ankle socks or no-see-ums because I wear a lot of boots. I try to only buy Fruit of the Loom socks because I like how they fit… The problem socks come in weird sizes like fits size 6-10 which pretty much covers almost every adult female on the planet and a large number of teenaged females.
This means I can’t always get the same brand because they sell out from time to time. Here’s the conspiracy part, crew socks do not look the same in all brands. I’m sure the same is true of all cuts of socks. Now when I was a teen and in my 20s, a white sock was a white sock and I didn’t care if they perfectly matched as long as I had a white sock on each foot I was good to go…
Now that I’m in my 30s it is suddenly important that my socks match beyond just being white. The pattern or whatever it is has to also match. I’m not going to wear a ribbed sock with one that is straight woven all the way up my calf just like I’m not going to wear a straight woven sock that is more fitted with a straight woven that isn’t fitted.
And not all crew socks are the exact same length. Seriously?! I can’t wear that sock with this sock, one is an inch taller than the other. Holy shit.
And matching them when I take them out of the dryer is nearly impossible too. Putting them together and folding them over each other is a great way to break the elastic at which point you have one sock that stays up and one sock that slinks down into your shoes/boots and it bunches under your foot. I can pin them together, but my brain doesn’t remember things really well anymore so I can see me ripping holes in my socks that way.
A while back I went through my sock drawer and cleaned out a bunch of them. I felt better about myself. All my socks with holes went in the trash and all the socks that didn’t have mates went in the trash. And the other day I pulled out six white socks, none of them matched. Fucking really?!
From watching my husband play “find the mate to this sock,” men’s socks are exactly the same. His solution is to throw away all his socks and go buy multiple bags of the exact same sock. Only, as a woman, I have trouble convincing myself to throw away perfectly good socks simply because finding the mate is like searching for pirates gold without a treasure map.
It makes me think that instead of a sock drawer, I need a sock peg board and when I do laundry, I could hang up every one of my socks so that finding the mate would be easier, because unless there’s a colored pattern somewhere on them, you have to hold socks up to know if they are mates or not.
I get that it’s a weird thing to be annoyed about, in the grand scheme of things, it seems insignificant, but it’s just one more hassle in life and don’t we have enough of them? And I’m just dealing with my socks. I can’t imagine dealing with socks for 4 or 5 people.