A Discombobulated Mind

My best friend thinks I’m afraid of success and that’s the driving force behind my lack of writing.  Because I haven’t been able to adequately describe the problem with writing.

For the most part when I write, I’m heavily medicated and I’m not just talking about the opiates.  I’m talking about the Lyrica and muscle relaxers combined with the opiates.

I used to sit down and have the story in my head and writing was just a matter of filling in the blanks and telling the story.  Now, I become afraid of the pain meds wearing off mid paragraph and sending me into a downward spiral of non-sense, because that is my brain on this pain.

I’ve talked about it a lot, but words don’t adequately describe what I’m feeling most of the time.  I’ve never been run over by a car, had a lot of other things happen to me, but they don’t compare to what I experience now.  However, feeling like I’ve been run over with the exception of my head is the best way I can describe it.

I feel as if the bones in my arms and legs have been obliterated, turned to dust within my body.  I feel like my spine has been crushed and the stabbing pain of a dagger being stuck in my inner hip/groin area.  I can deal with the arms and legs.  It hurts, but it’s more annoyance pain.  Like a migraine that won’t go away until my hands start to swell up so bad that I can’t move my fingers properly or the twitch gets so extreme it begins to hurt.

It’s the lumbar spine and hip pain that keep me from writing.  These aren’t just annoyances they are down right painful.  If I didn’t know I had CRPS I’d be heading to the ER every time a pain medication wore off.  There are times I consider it anyway.  However, it’s hard to go into an ER and explain “hey, my vicodin has worn off and I feel like my spine is broken, can you do something for me?”  I wake up every morning wishing I was in a hospital where they could fix me.  By mid afternoon the pain has returned full force and just gets worse as the day wears on because my world doesn’t get to stop just because  everything in my body feels broken.

I actually miss the days when I had migraines and that was the worst pain I had ever felt.    There are days I wish the bones would just break.  They would hurt less.  I know I’ve had a few over the years.  Hell a broken bone or six might actually distract me for a while from the nerve pain.

I still have a touch of plague.  It’s improving, except for the exhaustion part and the sinus drainage part.  My voice is mostly normal again.  Taking the rest of this week and weekend off sick.  I go February 1st to see the new specialist and I’m praying so hard that he can help me get some aspects of my life back, like being able to concentrate on writing without worrying about the pain returning mid sentence.

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