2 am and still awake


It’s 2 am my time and I’m still awake because I’m a sucker for a good cause.  Tonight league was raising money for a member that passed away.  They needed just one more person to make it even.  That just one more turned out to be me.

Oh there were dart players at the bar, but they were too involved in watching basketball or some such nonsense to be bothered to play.  We begged, kajoled, pleaded, and reasoned with them to play.

That just one more person makes a huge difference when it comes to charity events and raising money.  Making it even in both the bracket and the money.  I was player twelve… which meant $120 roughly to the charity.

That’s not all we gave and that wasn’t our starting amount because everyone always expects a little money to go to first and second place even at a charity event.  So we paid back 20 percent of that $120.  Depending on who takes first and second, a lot of times the money comes straight back to the charity.

Unfortunately I didn’t take first or second, not that it would have mattered, I would have donated it back despite the fact that I could use a little extra money from time to time.  I didn’t pay to play either, so that helps.  We raised $151 tonight with just 12 people.

Not bad for a few hours of entertainment for a good cause.  So I’m awake because I’m dreading laying down because honestly my hips and back are killing me.  It was nice to play, I just wish it wouldn’t cause so much pain.

This is the part I really miss the most.  Not the throwing in league, but what we as a league can do together for a good cause.  We have raised thousands of dollars before for players that have become disabled or died.

However, we didn’t have full support of the league tonight.  When we do, we get much better results, but you can’t force people to come out for a good cause.

It’s also one of the things that makes me sad.  This was my job in league.  I was the one that coordinated all the charity events.  Which is ironic at the moment.  It wouldn’t hurt to have a little bit of that league generosity thrown my way, but since I’ve been the one to coordinate it for the last several years, there’s no one to do that and I’m not rude enough or embittered enough to suggest it.  Of course if I get on a pain medicine that works a little better than my current one, and I start being able to write for more than 2 hours at a time, I won’t need anyone’s generosity again.  I’ll be able to publish books which is where my real money comes from…

It’s why I stress about it.  The longer it takes me to get the next book or couple of books written, the longer it takes me to get a good paycheck.  I’m hoping my BookBub advert at the end of the month helps considerably.

This is the part they forget to mention when you get diagnosed with a chronic illness or pain condition like I have… the cost.  It’s not just the insurance premium hikes, it’s the more frequent doctor’s visits, and the extra medications every month and the lost days of work that make the budget a little tighter than you’re used to.  Eventually you learn to live with the tighter budget, but I can definitely see how someone could and would go broke after being diagnosed with a chronic illness or disorder.

And the hassle of getting even partial disability, which I’m not even sure I qualify for at this point since they’ve been slashing the Medicaid/Medicare budget so drastically.  So I’ve been loaning the government my money and even though I should be able to get a portion of it back, I probably won’t.

And the stigma, Jesus Christ, it’s like people think you asked for it.  Doesn’t matter what you have, people treat you like you deserved it.  I’ve tried to lead a good life, I’m not perfect, but this isn’t Karma serving me my just desserts.  If it is, I’m paying for sins from a previous life as well and they must have been pretty damn serious.

I’ve been working on my book about a patient’s journey through CRPS.  I’m hoping I can sell a few copies of it if I ever get it finished.  I currently have three books in progress.  But it’s hard to accomplish much in two hour blocks.  Usually I am just really getting into the writing when suddenly the pain meds wear off and my mind goes blank because my body is back to feeling like it’s been hit by a car.  At this point, so much of me hurts that I can’t even point it all out and I keep wondering, if we had been a year faster or two years faster with the diagnosis would that have made a lot of difference?  Which is not something I should dwell on for very long or I become depressed.

I think the pain meds are kicking in, time to rush to bed and see about getting a little bit of sleep.

3 thoughts on “2 am and still awake

  1. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. I have an unheard of birth defect that really started causing me problems about a decade ago. I pushed myself through migraines, vomiting, immeasurable neck pain, etc, until finally my doctors told me I needed to go quit & go onto disability.
    My doctors can’t fix my defect, & I can’t tolerate pain meds so I have empathy for you. I always wanted to quit my job & devote myself to writing & while I don’t an ounce of your talent, I understand the frustration of trying to write in between the bouts of pain or under the influence of it. I struggle to simply breathe through my pain a lot of time. What people don’t understand is how chronic pain impacts not just your body but your self-esteem. I wish I could help you & everyone else suffering, but I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

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