My husband has been out of town since yesterday. I have mostly been sleeping with my two wonderful pups who can’t seem to share a king size bed with me. Last night, I had to sleep across the top because Lola the Destroyer wouldn’t move her 65-pound body out of my spot. I tried moving her, but couldn’t… once she’s asleep, she is just dead weight.
Kelly has discovered that if a chair is left pulled out from the table, she can climb up there. That’s fun and exciting and got her in some serious trouble tonight.
Thanks to someone’s wonderful donation, my Scentsy business is up and running. I’ve made a little money and achieved a few of their beginner goals, which makes me happy. I need something to distract me while I adjust to the Lyrica, Flexeril, and pain medication routine.
I attempted to write tonight, but got nowhere fast. I feel a little off. Today was my first day taking a full 150mg dose of the Lyrica and I think that caused me to be a little flightier than normal. It isn’t helping with the pain yet, but I was told it could take a few weeks to build up in my system and bring my constant pain from a 10 or higher to a 6 or so. It won’t work miracles, but I can live with a 6.
Most days, I think it would be better if my leg was amputated. I know that sounds weird, but the pain I feel is hard to describe. I try to explain it by saying I feel like a mean girl’s barbie doll. Or that the drawing and quartering didn’t work. For the last four months, I have been experiencing pain on a whole new level. I used to think I was pretty pain tolerant, but not anymore. I gave myself a Toradol shot over a week ago and the spot in my thigh where I injected it is still sore. And yes, I have experience with self injections. I’ve done it with migraine meds and allergy meds for most of my life. Toradol isn’t my favorite thing to have injected, but I’ve had lots of them… a side effect of having migraines but not being able to take NSAIDs orally. Usually they are only sore for a few hours. The Toradol itself burns like fire as it’s injected and it can leave the spot sore, but nothing like what I felt this last time. The awful burning medication was less painful than jabbing a needle in my skin.
I think what bothers me most is that my normally upbeat and optimistic pain management doctor wasn’t very optimistic or upbeat when we had a short discussion about the CRPS. He told me I was going to have to make some serious lifestyle changes, including not throwing darts. Standing is hard for me. So is walking. I’m considering getting a cane to help when the pain is bad because right now, I walk holding my hip joint like I expect it to fly out of my body with each step.
We had friends in town this weekend for a huge dart event. I had made plans to go to a festival with one of them and the morning of I had to cancel. There was no way I was going to be able to sit in a car for twenty minutes and then walk around a festival all day. I felt bad because she mostly just sat at my house and played on her phone because I couldn’t go do anything. I was told that was pretty much what she wanted to do because she’d had a busy week, but I still felt bad.
November 4th and 5th we are supposed to go to Springfield. I have concerns about it. It’s roughly a 3 hour drive from our house, depending on traffic. I know we’ll make a stop or two on the way down and on the way back, but I’m not sure I can sit for the ride without being put through hell.
Which brings me to another thing… Not this June, when my hip decided to swell up, but June 2016, I fell out of a raft and went under a tree root ball. After that, I started having trouble with my legs. The facet injections helped with that pain, but could it be that incident is what led up to the hip problem this year? How long has this been coming on? Or were my arthritic-like condition hands the start of the CRPS? I was checked for Reflex Sympathetic Disorder when I was 22. The test came back negative. However, they didn’t find the cause for my pain in my hands. It isn’t arthritis, but it feels like it. Now that I know testing for RSD/CRPS isn’t always accurate, I can’t help but wonder if that was the start and if so, going under the root ball just exacerbated the condition I had but no one had named yet?
I’m tired of feeling broken. I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of the stress the pain creates. I have a wonderful support system in place and an awe-inspiring support group, some of them with CRPS, but I still have days where I want to scream at the world. I’ll adjust and this will get better. I’m a survivor, always have been. I might rage at the world a bit while doing it, but everyone needs a good emotional release every now and then.