Pardon My Silence


My life sucks.  I apologize for being so quiet, but I feel like I am now burdening my readers as well as my friends and family.

I’ve been trying to adjust to taking gabapentin and flexeril to treat my pain.  I feel disassociated from reality all the time.  I have a break down about once a day where all I do is cry.  Sometimes it’s because I have trouble remembering how to do small tasks, like opening a damn Ziploc bag and not the one with the slider, but the ones that pull apart or because I can’t remember how to put my bra on – never thought I’d forget that, or because even though it takes the edge off the pain, I still can’t do a fucking thing and I feel like I’m a burden to everyone in my life.

I’m severely depressed.  I’m thinking about admitting myself to an inpatient program for a while.  But then I wouldn’t be home to help my mom take care of my great nephew, further enforcing the notion that I am a burden on my family.

I’m stuck in a cycle of self-loathing and anger.  I hate the meds.  They make me feel like shit.  Taking a nap doesn’t make me feel any better.  Staying awake doesn’t make me feel any better.  It’s not just the disassociation with reality that’s the problem, they actually make me feel sick.  I’m chronically tired.  I’m chronically confused.  I don’t enjoy doing anything. I can’t decide if that’s a side effect of the meds or the depression.

I tried to read a book the other day and even though it should have been easily understandable, I couldn’t follow it.  I wrote the damn thing and I don’t remember being told Elysium Drams is confusing and hard to follow.

It is now straining my marriage, although my husband has agreed that couples’ counseling could be helpful and he’ll go if I want.  I don’t want to talk to any of my friends.  I don’t want to be most days, which also makes me cry and that makes me even more tired.

Hopefully today, they figure something out and start doing something for me that doesn’t involve me not being able to remember my own damn name or becoming addicted to opiates, because that is the only other thing that gives me any relief is Vicodin… No, not true, my butalbital also helps the pain… Also addictive.  So much fucking fun.

6 thoughts on “Pardon My Silence

  1. My heart breaks reading this. I have chronic pain as well, and have had these thoughts and these feelings. There are pain clinics where you can go inpatient and they teach you coping strategies for dealing with the pain. A place like that may help more than a psychological inpatient… because it seems like your depression is stemming from the pain. If you take the time to take care of you, to help you get better/feel better, that’s not abandoning your family. That’s helping them too! You will be a better wife/daughter/Aunt once you are able to function a bit better. You are so valuable to so many people. Please know your worth! You are loved by so many. Not because of what you can do for them, but for who you are. Continue to hang in there. One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. My thoughts are with you dear.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They think the Gabapentin was compounding my depression problems and causing the suicidal thoughts. So I am trying Lyrica to see if that helps with the pain and keeps me from feeling so worthless.

      Like

  2. I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. Since I know about how this can really effect your life, I decided to reply. I hope you don’t mind.
    Everyone has a time of crisis in their life. Just knowing to get help is the first step. You really do need to speak with a psychiatrist who can help you with the medications. While I don’t promote using them, I also know when they are needed, you should take them.. There are other meds which, in the right combination, can help you. I also take an antidepressant, and I thought I could deal with things on my own, since I work in mental health. I finally had to realize that depression is not a logical thought process, and sometimes you have to reach out.
    I’m available anytime, if you want to have my support.
    Take care

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! They think the Gabapentin was a serious part of the problem. Depression and suicidal thoughts can be side effects, but they are rare. They put me on Lyrica as a test and Jason is going to see a couples therapist that specializes in couples with chronic pain disorders. Hopefully, we can both learn to communicate about it better, because all I’m doing is getting resentful and angry and depressed and I know it isn’t easy on him mentally either, but he bottles things up.

      Liked by 1 person

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