My life sucks. I apologize for being so quiet, but I feel like I am now burdening my readers as well as my friends and family.
I’ve been trying to adjust to taking gabapentin and flexeril to treat my pain. I feel disassociated from reality all the time. I have a break down about once a day where all I do is cry. Sometimes it’s because I have trouble remembering how to do small tasks, like opening a damn Ziploc bag and not the one with the slider, but the ones that pull apart or because I can’t remember how to put my bra on – never thought I’d forget that, or because even though it takes the edge off the pain, I still can’t do a fucking thing and I feel like I’m a burden to everyone in my life.
I’m severely depressed. I’m thinking about admitting myself to an inpatient program for a while. But then I wouldn’t be home to help my mom take care of my great nephew, further enforcing the notion that I am a burden on my family.
I’m stuck in a cycle of self-loathing and anger. I hate the meds. They make me feel like shit. Taking a nap doesn’t make me feel any better. Staying awake doesn’t make me feel any better. It’s not just the disassociation with reality that’s the problem, they actually make me feel sick. I’m chronically tired. I’m chronically confused. I don’t enjoy doing anything. I can’t decide if that’s a side effect of the meds or the depression.
I tried to read a book the other day and even though it should have been easily understandable, I couldn’t follow it. I wrote the damn thing and I don’t remember being told Elysium Drams is confusing and hard to follow.
It is now straining my marriage, although my husband has agreed that couples’ counseling could be helpful and he’ll go if I want. I don’t want to talk to any of my friends. I don’t want to be most days, which also makes me cry and that makes me even more tired.
Hopefully today, they figure something out and start doing something for me that doesn’t involve me not being able to remember my own damn name or becoming addicted to opiates, because that is the only other thing that gives me any relief is Vicodin… No, not true, my butalbital also helps the pain… Also addictive. So much fucking fun.