My pain management doctor believes that my dramatic increase in pain and the moving of it to the left side, where I do not have arthritis is probably the result of an autoimmune disorder.
In a first, he prescribed me Vicodin to be used when the pain becomes intolerable. What he doesn’t seem to realize is that it is usually intolerable.
I’m also taking gabapentin for it. It’s not working. It doesn’t help with pain or being able to sleep… which it should because gabapentin usually makes me very sleepy.
For the first time in my 37 years, I am actually depressed. Not just down or in need of a little cheering up, but totally depressed. I wake up and wonder what the point was. I try to work and end up crying because no words magically appear on the screen. I constantly feel like I’m a burden on my friends and family because I can do so little before my body reminds me it doesn’t want to work in any way, shape, or form.
I can’t stand to look at myself. I’m embarrassed to wear anything but jeans because it is obvious that my right hip, buttock, and thigh are nearly twice the size of the left. It’s leaving an impact on my marriage.
They think I might have lupus and didn’t know it before the ablation and the ablation made everything go haywire. Which leaves me to be a human pincushion and I can’t even drive myself to the damn doctor.
I’ve been waiting for an autoimmune disorder to manifest… I have Sjögren’s, so it was a when, not an if. But I didn’t expect lupus. Crohn’s, fibromyalgia, Raynaud’s, those I pictured… now I’m depressed that I might have lupus. And freaked out. My anxiety disorder means waiting for tests and test results are impossible anyway, but something like this, I feel like I’m losing my mind waiting.
So, yeah, that’s where I’m at mentally. Hopefully, it all gets better or at least less painful and more stable soon.