The Mental State


My pain management doctor believes that my dramatic increase in pain and the moving of it to the left side, where I do not have arthritis is probably the result of an autoimmune disorder.

In a first, he prescribed me Vicodin to be used when the pain becomes intolerable. What he doesn’t seem to realize is that it is usually intolerable.

I’m also taking gabapentin for it. It’s not working. It doesn’t help with pain or being able to sleep… which it should because gabapentin usually makes me very sleepy.

For the first time in my 37 years, I am actually depressed. Not just down or in need of a little cheering up, but totally depressed. I wake up and wonder what the point was. I try to work and end up crying because no words magically appear on the screen. I constantly feel like I’m a burden on my friends and family because I can do so little before my body reminds me it doesn’t want to work in any way, shape, or form.

I can’t stand to look at myself. I’m embarrassed to wear anything but jeans because it is obvious that my right hip, buttock, and thigh are nearly twice the size of the left. It’s leaving an impact on my marriage.

They think I might have lupus and didn’t know it before the ablation and the ablation made everything go haywire. Which leaves me to be a human pincushion and I can’t even drive myself to the damn doctor.

I’ve been waiting for an autoimmune disorder to manifest… I have Sjögren’s, so it was a when, not an if. But I didn’t expect lupus. Crohn’s, fibromyalgia, Raynaud’s, those I pictured… now I’m depressed that I might have lupus. And freaked out. My anxiety disorder means waiting for tests and test results are impossible anyway, but something like this, I feel like I’m losing my mind waiting.

So, yeah, that’s where I’m at mentally. Hopefully, it all gets better or at least less painful and more stable soon.

8 thoughts on “The Mental State

  1. I’m so sorry to hear of you are suffering so much. If you need to, you should talk to your doctor about a mild antidepressant to get you through this. I know Celexa is good for both anxiety and depression. I hope you get some relief soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hadena, I’m so sorry to hear what’s going on with you, I had a similar things going with me I was on Lortab for years and you go through the cycle of four to six hour pain medicine so it wears off your not due to take pain medicine by the time you’re ready to do your an Agony takes a long time for the meds to kick in then your druggie and then you go through the same cycle again and again so I didn’t want to go on heavy duty pain medicine finally I gave in when my joints and the nerve thing in the whole lupus fibromyalgia thing kicked in for me and they decided that’s what I had which took a long time anyway I finally went on morphine 15 mg it’s a really really low dose it’s time release I take it twice a day on a schedule I don’t have this up-and-down huge cycle that I was on for years with Lortab which I was either drugged or in pain so I’m just mentioning it now nobody wants to go on really strong meds but sometimes it’s actually better because for me cuz I’m not drugged and I can think more clearly and I don’t have this huge up-and-down cycle of either being an Agony or being drug to my eyeballs it’s just a thought I thought I would share my experience….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hadena, I have 4 autoimmune diseases, if you’d like to talk just email me. Unfortunately, I understand all too well. And thanks to something prescribed by one of my doctors, I too am in worse shape than I was with just the 4 autoimmune diseases.

    Liked by 1 person

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