Today


I feel depressed and hopeless.  I am filled with disgust and self-loathing.  My right hip still hurts, as I expected.  The ablation points were sore for several days, but that has receded.  The kicker is that over the weekend, my left hip began to hurt and has now swollen up.  The swelling isn’t as bad as my right was, but I figure it’s just a matter of time.

I’m tired of being in pain.  The Tramadol with acetaminophen doesn’t help.  I’m still not sleeping more than 5 or 6 hours a night.  I’m not working like I need to be.  It’s taken me five weeks to write a single chapter.  I’m nowhere near where I should be on this book.

I don’t go out and do things with friends because I can’t drive myself most of the time.  I guess that trend will continue since my left is causing me problems now.  Just sitting in chairs at darts hurts.  I can’t even get in and out of the shower without an increase in pain.

My migraines calmed down so that I could experience a new form of torture.  My pain stays about a 7 all the time.  I’m just tired and angry and sad… it got worse when my left hip started to act up.  I don’t care if it’s completely gone, but I’d like to be able to live my life.  If we could get it to a constant 2 or 3 all the time, that would be good enough.

But my body seems to refuse to be calmed.  I feel as though it is punishing me most of the time.  There are days when all I want to do is cry because I just don’t see the point of doing anything else.  I’m not sure how people live this way.

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