Life is all about the infinite and seemingly small choices we make every day.  I have been dealing with a ton of stress, a screwed up hip, and smack dab in the middle of it I had to get my Depo Provera shot.

So, I got it yesterday.  Today, I have a massive hormone/tension migraine that makes me want to cut my brain out.  It’s the worst I’ve had in a long time.  I took some migraine meds and thought Depo is going to be the death of me.

But that’s not true, the opposite is.  If I didn’t take depo (I have become immune to birth control pills and yes, that really does happen), there’s a chance I would end up pregnant and that would actually be the death of me… Possibly, literally.

My life isn’t just about not wanting kids, it’s about a stupid genetic problem in which, I don’t make any enzymes to process folic acid.  Folic acid is one of the building blocks of our bodies.  I take prenatals to keep my hair and fingernails growing and the pre-processed folic acid boost keeps my anxiety and some other issues under control.

I want to move.  I really do.  I hate the current trade-off of moving; not being able to do a lot of things that I want to do.  However, as the heat of the day has already started, I can tell you that it is only 15 degrees cooler in my house than outside.  Meaning it’s a little hot already, on the inside of my house.  This place needs so much work, it’d be cheaper to tear it down and start over.  The insulation sucks, some of the subfloors have collapsed from previous water damage, there’s a hole in the duct work, and the roof has a leak.

But I also worry about what moving means.  Not because I am comfortable here, but because it seems like every time I turn around, something new hurts and packing and carrying boxes seems like an interesting way to hurt myself.

I know why the injections in my back are helping my migraines.  That’s awesome!  I have no curvature in my neck, my pain management doctor believes that when he gives me steroids in my lower back, they help with the inflammation in the muscles, tendons, and ligaments of my neck which stay irritated because my natural head position is to look down.

But putting curvature in my neck is painful.  I know he isn’t, but it feels like my chiropractor stands on my neck three times a week.  And all the tension I currently carry around from having to do things like pack, preparing money, etc, for the move is not helping.

Sometimes, I wonder what life would be like if I had made a few different choices along the way.

PS:  for all you chronic migraine sufferers, Botox might be the answer or it might not be.  I have not had any injections since December and yet, my forehead is still mostly paralyzed and I can’t feel a thing in it… something to think about before doing it.

2 thoughts on “Choices

  1. It’s always about choices and trade offs. Everyday things, well, I have a good handle on what each activity will cost. However, I have a very special long weekend of intense activities coming up in a couple of weeks.

    This is gonna hurt, a lot. Last year it was over a week before I felt capable of interacting with people and not ripping their heads of ( much less actually getting anything done)…. this year will be worse. Why? Because my skill set has increased, so the activity will be harder, I’m also a year older dammit.

    But, I CHOSE to do this knowing the consequences. The activity gives me such happiness, and the teachers are amazing (also not local). I’m not getting any younger, and I’ll be damned if I let one more moment slip through my fingers.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s like we’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t – yes the folic acid issue is highly important and why it would be so risky – mostly deadly – for you to have a kid – plus the child would have some really bad health issues as a result too. I wish I lived near – I would help pack – I’m not great at it but I could help:)

    Liked by 1 person

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